Have you noticed that your child often engages in behaviors like tantrums, whining, and interrupting that seem like they're just trying to get a reaction out of you? Does it feel like your child will not stop these disruptive behaviors no matter what you try—timeouts, corrections, or other punishments? You are not alone! Many families face these challenges, and it can be difficult and frustrating to communicate to your child that this behavior is unacceptable.
Here's the good news: Research shows positive attention can significantly improve your child's behavior while strengthening your bond (Child Mind Institute, 2021). By shifting the focus from punishment and corrections to understanding how attention works for kids, we can guide your child towards more positive behaviors and alleviate your frustration!
What is Positive and Negative Attention?
Positive attention is the warm, supportive recognition of positive child behaviors, reinforcing what you want to see more of (Child Mind Institute, 2021). Examples include praise, high-fives, and overall acknowledgment when they're following directions or being kind. Through these encouraging messages, we show children we appreciate these behaviors.
Negative attention, in contrast, is a harsher reaction to undesirable behaviors. Examples include scolding and raising your voice when a child engages in unwanted behavior. Although it may seem like the only way to get them to stop, negative attention can actually reinforce the behavior because it provides the child with a response they are seeking—just not the right kind (Kazdin, 2005).
Understanding Attention-Seeking Behavior
Attention-seeking is a natural developmental behavior that helps children feel connected and secure (Psychology Today, 2024). This can be positive when asking for a hug but negative when engaging in inappropriate behavior to grab your attention. Even reactions like yelling or arguing can feel rewarding to a child seeking connection (Kazdin, 2005). The best way to address this is to understand that your child is sending you a signal that they want to feel seen and understood, not misbehaving for the sake of it (Psychology Today, 2024).
Children who struggle with self-regulation may exhibit more attention-seeking behaviors. Kids with ADHD, autism, or anxiety, for example, may have difficulty managing impulses or understanding social cues, making them more likely to engage in behaviors that demand immediate attention. Recognizing this can help parents respond with empathy and strategies that address their child’s underlying needs rather than just the surface behavior.
How to Turn Negative Attention into Positive Connection
We can help shift their behavior in a positive direction by adjusting how we give attention!
Catch Them Being Good It is important to look for instances where we can praise positive behaviors. Instead of waiting for misbehavior, we reinforce the behaviors we want to see more of by giving attention to them. This can help build long-term positive habits (Child Mind Institute, 2021). One helpful technique is to set a timer for every 15 minutes and intentionally praise something your child is doing well during that time.
Use Descriptive Praise We must be specific in how we praise our children. Instead of saying, "Good job," say, "I love how you helped your sister clean up her toys!" Specific praise is more meaningful because it explains exactly what they did that you liked and reinforces desirable behaviors (Kazdin, 2005). Another way to reinforce good behavior is through reward charts or small incentives, helping children associate positive behaviors with recognition and rewards.
Be Present Sometimes, all a child needs is a few moments of undivided attention. Start looking for when your child is engaging in these negative behaviors. Is it when you are talking to another adult or trying to get some work done? By being present and spending time engaging in your child’s world helps meet their need for connection in a positive way and could decrease negative behaviors (Psychology Today, 2024).
Structured one-on-one time, such as 10 minutes daily of "special time" where your child gets to choose the activity, can have a significant impact on their emotional well-being and reduce attention-seeking behaviors. Special time can include playing with toys and listening to your child without distractions. During this time, avoid giving instructions or corrections—just follow your child's lead and enjoy their presence.
Ignore When You Can Calmly ignoring the behavior can be powerful if it does not compromise safety. This can teach your child that the way to get your attention is through positive behaviors. This approach, known as "planned ignoring," works best when paired with positive reinforcement. For example, if your child whines for a toy, you can calmly explain that if they ask appropriately, they will get the toy and your attention (Kazdin, 2005). After ignoring whining, immediately praise your child when they use an appropriate tone to ask for what they want. Over time, they will learn which behaviors get them the response they desire.
Attention is a Powerful Tool
By focusing on positive attention and reducing the emphasis on negative reactions, you can help your child feel supported and secure while promoting better behavior. With patience and practice, this approach can greatly reduce frustration for both you and your child!
It's important to remember that change takes time. Children thrive on consistency, so implementing these strategies daily will help reinforce the message that positive behaviors receive attention and recognition. If challenges persist, seeking professional support can provide additional guidance tailored to your child's unique needs.
If you'd like to learn more about positive parenting strategies or need support navigating your child's unique challenges, our team at The LEAP Clinic is here to help!
References
● Child Mind Institute (2021). How to Use Positive Reinforcement for Better Behavior. Retrieved from childmind.org.
● Kazdin, A. E. (2005). Parent Management Training: Treatment for Oppositional, Aggressive, and Antisocial Behavior in Children and Adolescents. Oxford University Press.
● Psychology Today (2024). Yes, Your Child Is Seeking Your Attention—And That’s Not a Bad Thing. Retrieved from psychologytoday.com.
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