Navigating Loss and Change Around the Holidays

Some might notice that the holiday season brings with it a particular set of challenges for families coping with loss and/or change. While we know that grief isn’t linear and operates more cyclically, it can still come as a shock when it appears in moments that previously brought joy. Grief and loss around the holidays can be insidious. Children may experience conflicting emotions during holiday traditions and celebrations. While feeling excitement during celebratory activities, they may also notice the lack of something that once was. As a result, they may experience a variety of emotions. This may include feelings of guilt, anger, confusion, anxiety, disappointment, relief, and/or shame. It is important to normalize these feelings for your children, and to let them know that while the loss the family is experiencing is difficult, the child is not to blame. Validate your child’s experience. Help them understand that these intense feelings, while momentary, are a natural part of the process that many children experience during similar circumstances. You can help your child ease feelings of guilt through a perspective-taking conversation in which you ask them to consider what their loved one(s) would want for them. While changes in routine due to loss can be difficult, use this as an opportunity to create a new tradition that honors and celebrates loved ones and that emphasizes the strengths the family carries. 

If you are noticing that your child is having a difficult time navigating the holidays and feel it would benefit them to process their grief, you might consider the following activities:

• Write a letter to your loved one.

• Create a memory box.

• Engage in community acts of kindness/giving in honor of your loss.

  • Frame these acts as “something we do to honor someone we love,” or “to share our special person’s love with the world.”

• Create a family story book.

  • Pages in this book may include: what my family was like, what changed, what I miss, what helps me, and what I hope for.

• Explore the concept of “something is different.” 

  • Help your child to draw or write about their experiences before/after.

  • Support them in labeling what feels confusing or missing.

• Create a circle of control map to help your child identify what they can and cannot control.

When doing these activities, it is important to follow your child’s lead and not to rush them through things they may not need or are not ready for. Loss takes a variety of forms and shows up differently for every person. What is important to remember is that all grief is valid. 

While we often associate grief with death, it’s important to recognize that loss can take many forms. This is especially true for children, who may experience change differently than adults. During the holidays, these less visible losses can feel just as heavy. Some different types of loss include: 

• Collective loss.

• Ambiguous loss.

• Divorce or family separation loss.

• Death loss (bereavement).

• Secondary loss.

• Relational loss.

• Disenfranchised loss.

• Identity loss. 

• Financial or resource loss. 

Because families and communities operate as a system, and relationships are deeply intertwined with one another, it is important to take a step back as a caregiver and examine your own experience of loss and how it is impacting you. It is important that you care for yourself and take the time to grieve, so that you can show up for your children and model appropriate responses to difficult change. By tending to your own grief with compassion, you create space for your child to do the same. While the holidays may look different, they can still hold moments of connection, meaning, and healing.